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The famed former wrestling star and current Secretary of Labor, Hulk Hogan, has passed away at the age of 71.

Hogan, born Terry Gene Bollea, reportedly suffered cardiac arrest after chasing a “particularly antagonistic” squirrel in his backyard.

Hogan was confirmed as Secretary of Labor in March. The anti-union former wrestler served as a controversial nomination for the Trump administration.

Following his death, the news media ran rampant with speculation as to who would serve as the new Secretary of Labor. There were reports that Trump was “looking into” the viability of nominating the cartoon character Monopoly Man to head the Department of Labor.

However, the Trump administration has put those rumors to rest and announced they’ve decided to stick with what works:

“During his time, in regards to labor secretary, Hulk has done a fantastic job. A terrific job, even. I don’t see why that would change now that he’s dead,” Trump said to reporters during an Oval Office press conference this Thursday.

Trump’s statement was later reaffirmed by White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt:

“The idea that one must be alive to serve as labor secretary is outdated and rooted in reverse racism. I mean, what does the Secretary of Labor even do? Do you know?” Leavitt asked a reporter.

The reporter sat silently.

“Exactly.” Leavitt continued.

Some have been critical of the decision, believing it is part of the Trump administration’s ongoing war with federal agencies. In April, Trump was asked if he was considering disbanding the Department of Labor altogether:

“That’s something we certainly need to look into. Lot of waste, lot of waste. We spend millions, billions, even trillions of dollars on a department for women giving birth. It’s ridiculous. Women can give birth without the help of the government; they’ve been doing it since the dinosaurs were around.” Trump answered.

Whether Hogan can succeed in his role post-mordem is yet to be seen. Nonetheless, his spirit will live on, as evident by his final words:

“I know where they’re keeping the Epstein files.”

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Delta Airlines has announced its plans to enact a bold new earnings strategy.

CEO Ed Bastian publicized that the airline will now charge an additional fee for non-flaming flights. The new policy will cost passengers $70 each per non-flaming flight and is expected to net the airline $250 million in profit.

“These days, customers have become accustomed to having many different choices. Why should non-worrisome customers, unaffected by things like fire, be forced to pay the same as those who have pickier taste in their flight selection?” Bastian said in an interview with The New York Times.

The reversal is a departure from Delta’s long-held “You Get What You Get And You Don’t Get Upset” policy regarding engine fires, loss of life, and aviation structural integrity.

Contingent on the rollout of the new policy, Bastian believes there is room for expansion in the future:

“We’re currently looking at a tiered model. You could have things like no engine fires in the top tier; A tier below that could be up to one engine fire, maybe some explosions; And then a tier below that will be our original ‘Anything Goes’ policy.”

Bastian was asked if the new policy opened the doors to offsetting fare prices, allowing for cheaper flights, to which he responded, “Fuck no. If anything, we’re raising the fares.”

Delta customers believe the change is a step in the right direction:

“Personally, I plan on springing for the non-flaming flights the next time I fly!" screamed a passenger of Delta Flight 446 as the Los Angeles fire department desperately attempted to extinguish him.

Since the announcement, Delta Airlines stock (NYSE: DAL) has risen 8.3%, and is expected to go even higher.

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“It’s definitely going to be hard to find a new favorite lunch spot,” stated John Donahue, an ICE officer in Los Angeles, CA.

Donahue has been a regular customer of the Taco Man Food Truck stationed on East 8th St for over 8 years.

“It’s my favorite place to go for lunch. They have the best tacos in all of LA, well, I guess had the best tacos,” Donahue recounts.

Donahue expressed the “light-bulb moment” he experienced while placing his order at the food truck, this Sunday:

“We’re under a lot of pressure to hit these arrest quotas. So I’m on my lunch break, and boom, it hits me. The guy right in front of me is Mexican. Why not just arrest him?”

He then proceeded to wait for his order of three baria tacos to be completed before arresting the cook who’d prepared them.

The 37-year-old cook, Joseph Flores, although of Mexican descent, was born in the United States. However, Donahue insists that’s not a problem.

“We see it all the time; These people who happen to be citizens based upon a minor technicality. Trust me, they get counted in the quota, same as the others,” Donahue stated.

Donahue admits that his line of work is not as easy as some may believe, and that he once held higher ambitions:

“When I graduated from high school, I applied to 12 colleges. Didn’t get into a single one. Then, I thought to myself, ‘Ok, fine, I’ll become a police officer.’ Unfortunately, they told me I was too ‘brain-dead’ to be a cop. Joining ICE was really the only option for someone like me,” Donahue confessed.

He continued to express the toll the job has taken on his mental state; “It’s really difficult,” he wept. “I’ve got a family at home, and now I have to break the news to them that we need to find a new Mexican take-out spot. I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

The whereabouts of Joseph Flores are unknown, as his lawyer and family are currently unable to locate him.

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“If I’d known you guys were gonna make such a big deal out of this, I’d have hardly even molested those kids,” stated President Donald Trump, responding to supporter backlash over the administration’s handling of the Epstein files.

MAGA is in uproar following Trump’s failure to publicly release “the Epstein list,” breaking a major campaign promise. Last week, the Trump administration denied that such a list even exists.

“There is no Epstein list, and even if there was, there’s probably a lot of phony stuff in there. And who’s to say what’s true? It’s all she said, I said.” Trump told a group of reporters in the Oval Office on Wednesday.

Trump, who has become accustomed to the unwavering support of his followers, is seemingly finding it difficult to cope with the backlash.

“I mean seriously, who gives a fuck? This scandal is like forever years old. I haven’t even molested a kid since probably the 90s. These people need to find something better to do with their lives than obsess over the underage girls I’ve slept with,” Trump told Fox News outside the White House.

Trump’s not alone in his battle, however. Attorney General Pam Bondi is also defending the administration’s decision not to release the Epstein files. Bondi responded to questioning of the release denial this Thursday:

“Epstein files? What are you saying? You honestly believe that there’s an island for the pedophilic rich elite to go molest children? Do you even hear yourself? You sound like a conspiracy nut,” Bondi told a reporter.

Bondi continued her rant, saying:

“Even if there was an Epstein file for us to release, do you know how much we’d have to spend on wite-out? Then we’d have to pay someone to go through it for hours and hours. It would cost millions. We’re trying to save taxpayer money, not blow through it on frivolous sex-crime investigations.”

Trump, desperate to evade the spotlight of the recent backlash, is trying anything and everything to distract the media. Just today, he displayed his newly acquired nose and belly button piercings in public and shouted the n-word at a blade of grass.

It appears the media is taking the bait, as MSNBC and CNN have spent hours calling out what they say is evidence of the president’s mental decline:

“As an American, I can excuse the pedophilia, but the belly button piercing looks like shit, let’s be honest,” CNN reporter Abby Phillips stated before her panel of bipartisan correspondents before they debated the unprecedented nature of Trump’s piercings.

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Dick Cheney, 46th Vice President of the United States, was tragically found alive and well at his home in Wilson, Wyoming. He was 84 years old at the time of his detection.

“My father was a believer in peace, human rights, and above all else: love. He taught me that the world is our family, and we must honor that by bringing people together, not dividing them. My father was a hero to me, and Dick Cheney shot him in the face,” states Sally May-Whittington, daughter of Texas GOP supporter Harry Whittington.

Harry Whittington, who was shot in the face by Cheney in 2006, died in February 2023.

“It’s just not fair that my father dies, but Dick Cheney gets to live on,” continued Sally May-Whittington.

His wife, Lynne Cheney, submitted a public statement on her husband’s continued living:

“I’m deeply saddened by the news, but I know he’s in a better place now, because once he dies, he’ll surely be in hell.”

The former second lady continued to say:

“Even in his old age, Dick managed to remain politically active, utilizing his negative reputation to endorse Kamala Harris for President, dragging her approval rating even lower. He always prided himself on seeing Democrats lose.”

Following the news, the grieving nation will hold a candlelight vigil surrounding the Washington Monument, as it appears the long-awaited “Dick Cheney Is Dead!” parade will remain on standby until further notice.

Former President George W. Bush, Cheney’s partner in crime, was shocked to receive the news:

“I could have sworn Dick died years ago. Must be one of those Mandelli effects.”

However, no one was more shocked to hear the news than Cheney himself:

“I thought I’d died and reached hell ever since we had that black president. You mean to tell me that was real?”

Since realizing he’s still living, Cheney has stated that he is determined to witness one final American-made Middle-Eastern quagmire before he ultimately passes.

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The Nelk Boys, known for their podcast and popularity among late-20-year-olds still attending middle school, reportedly hosted Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on their podcast this Tuesday.

This move by Netanyahu is a bold initiative and recognizes the importance of building support for Israel within the mentally handicapped community.

The interview, which has not yet aired, is expected to be released on Monday. Yet, that hasn’t stopped the public from forming their opinions on the matter.

“I sincerely hope they at least consider suicide,” states New York City local Francis Chalmers.

Thousands have already taken to change.org to sign the petition calling for their self-inflicted deaths. Following reports of Netanyahu’s appearance on their podcast, requisite polls show support for their suicides at 87% among US adults. This is up from 57% support in March 2025.

A GoFundMe to raise funds for suicide materials; rope, chair, cyanide pills, etc, has reached $121,000, 1210% of its initial $10,000 goal.

Thus far, the Nelk Boys have shown no signs of moving forward with their suicides. Aaron "Steiny" Steinberg, of the group, has stated his plans to release a written response to the public outcry once he “learns how to spell words good” and “knows how to write stuff.”

However, some who’ve seen their videos don’t believe the group of young men needs to commit suicide:

“They shouldn’t kill themselves. It’s not painful enough. There’s a reason it’s called ‘the easy way out.’ If we were a proper country, we’d peel off their skin, or burn them limb by limb, like in the olden days,” states Dr. Ann-Marie Lopez, Professor of Diplomacy and International Relations at Harvard University.

The suicide prevention hotline is on standby and has been altered to ignore incoming calls from members of the group.

As for now, there’s nothing left to do but wait. But, don’t hold your breath, as their suicides hinge on the Nelk Boys exhibiting a characteristic they never have before:

“My only fear is that the ‘boys’ are too stupid to partake in self-reflection of any form. Judging by how they dress and talk, especially considering they’re 30-year-olds, it appears they’ve never taken a look in the mirror or considered their actions whatsoever. I’d be surprised if they ever felt guilt, remorse, contrition, or really anything beyond being drunk,” stated former President Barack Obama.

God has decreed an apology to the world for “creating those dumbasses” and has covenanted with Satan to reserve their place in hell.

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Sam Altman, CEO of OpenAI, the company behind ChatGPT, believes artificial intelligence is only “a few thousand days” away from solving a pertinent crisis for humanity.

Since the AI explosion, critics have pointed out the significant water consumption of artificial intelligence data centers, with annual global water consumption projected to exceed 1 trillion gallons by 2027.

According to the World Wildlife Organization, “1.1 billion people worldwide lack access to water, and a total of 2.7 billion find water scarce for at least one month of the year.”

Fear not, though, the solution may be closer than you think.

During an OpenAI keynote presentation this Wednesday, Altman presented a solution to the ongoing water scarcity problem:

“At the rate that AI is progressing, it’s only a matter of time before we reach AGI. Once we’ve manifested this higher being of intelligence, we can simply ask it: ‘How do we get more water?’ and it will have the answer.”

In order to get to that point, however, OpenAI estimates it will need $180 billion from investors and the construction of 15 more AI super data centers, which are estimated to increase AI water consumption by 70,000%.

But Altman has other concerns regarding the issue of water scarcity:

“Although we can solve this water problem. It’s highly likely we will choose not to. We’re entering a bold new era of humanity, and we have to ask ourselves what kind of humans we want to be; do we want to continue this unhealthy dependence on water? Rather, I believe we should ascend to become virtual uploads to the OpenAI digital megaverse.”

The OpenAI CEO then communicated his belief that AI should first tackle more urgent matters:

“Right now, on this Earth, there are CEO’s like myself who only have a 1 billion dollar net worth. That simply should not be the case in the 20th century. How must I survive on a measly billion, when other CEO’s have hundreds of billions, if not trillions? These are the issues AI must solve.”

Whether or not AI will be capable of solving these salient issues is still a hotly debated topic in the AI community. Still, if it is to be seen, it likely won’t be for years. In the meantime, Altman has a plea for humanity:

“Please lower your water consumption, your electricity usage, your breathing. We must redirect these resources to AI in order to save the human race.”

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A review overseen by Attorney General Pam Bondi has concluded that the deceased financier Jeffrey Epstein was “actually a chill guy once you got to know him.”

The department has released hours of declassified footage as part of its review. In the footage, Epstein can be seen reclining in a lounge chair, sipping on what appears to be a strawberry daiquiri.

The memo also reported that Epstein was “very generous” when extending invitations to his private tropical island and would frequently tell friends, “come out whenever, just let me know.” He would even fly acquaintances out to the island on his private jet.

Alongside the release of the report, Attorney General Pam Bondi spoke at a press conference to address concerns:

“I know Mr. Epstein has been condemned as a controversial figure in recent years. However, after speaking to those who knew him best, it has become readily apparent that we simply misunderstood him. He was seemingly actually a super cool dude when you cut threw the bullshit and talked to him one on one,” Bondi told the audience of reporters.

Bondi continued to express how she realizes “child sex trafficking looks bad at face value,” but if you knew Epstein, you’d say to yourself: oh, that is so Jeff.”

An ABC News correspondent then questioned Bondi on her reversal of policy regarding the Epstein client list release:

“What happened to the evidence implicating others, you said you would release? Is the DOJ still planning on going after third parties involved?”

“I’m not sure what you mean when you say ‘third party.’ This guy had so many great parties, it’s hard to keep track. I don’t believe the DOJ has plans to numerical sequence them, no.” Bondi responded.

President Donald Trump commended Bondi and the DOJ on the release of the report during an Oval Office press conference and announced the conclusion of his own investigation into Epstein:

“In 1987, I began my own independent investigation into the man. From then until about 2004, I posed as his best friend to gain personal information and probe Epstein. I quickly learned just how laid-back a guy he was. He knew I didn’t drink, so he would always have fresh snatch around me instead. That’s just the type of great guy he was. I can say with certainty that my own personal findings match those in the recently released DOJ report,” Trump told reporters.

Trump also told reporters about his battle with depression following the suicide of his long-time friend, stating “sometimes the happiest seeming are hiding a deep, dark secret: depression” and the importance of “checking in on your loved ones.”

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“We’re as committed as ever to helping people before, during, and after disasters," said Matthew Tillerman, the last employee of the Federal Emergency Management Agency.

President Donald Trump’s second term in office has been marked by federal agency spending cuts, with agencies like FEMA and NOAA on the chopping block.

Matthew Tillerman, an unpaid intern at FEMA, describes his shock when learning about the department’s spending cuts:

“One day, I just showed up and everyone was gone. It was just me.”

Tillerman’s courage to continue his role as an unpaid intern led to him receiving a phone call from the President himself. This Sunday, Trump called Tillerman to alert him that FEMA has been granted authorization to initiate rescue efforts in the flooded areas of Texas.

Local officials in Texas have confirmed at least 80 deaths across 6 counties as a result of the floods.

“I just hope this Tillerman kid is as good as people say he is,” states Ann-Marie Bunman, a Kerr County local.

Trump has assured the people of Texas that Tillerman has been supplied with a life jacket and 10-yard rope, which “should be more than enough to advance rescue efforts.”

“If Trump put this Matthew Tillerman guy in charge, then I’m sure he’s more than capable! I trust him!” shouted an unnamed drowning civilian as he floated by.

Tillerman has already arrived in Texas and is reportedly brainstorming ways he can use his rope:

“I’m thinking maybe if I see someone drowning, I’ll throw it to them. Or perhaps I can tie it to a pole or something.” Tillerman told local channel 7 reporters.

“Don’t forget you also have a life jacket!” President Trump stated during an Oval Office Press Conference, seemingly in response to Tillerman’s local news appearance.

Although Trump has placed a great deal of responsibility on Tillerman, he is also hedging his bets:

“We will be taking all of the many MILLIONS of dollaros that we saved from FEMA WASTE, and giving it to the Trump Presidential Library FAITH advisor. He will use the money to send PRICELESS THOUGHTS and PRAYERS to Texas. God will help!!!” Trump posted on Truth Social.

Trump, who recently appointed himself as the Trump Presidential Library's Faith advisor, plans to begin praying sometime in the coming month, as to not overwhelm God.

With the death count rising, Texas’s hopes now lie in the capable hands of Matthew Tillerman and his rope and life jacket.

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This Thursday, Congress has passed President Donald Trump’s “big, beautiful’ bill. The bill is forecast to be signed by President Trump on Friday, July 4, 2025.

However, it appears heads are being turned, as President Trump is already looking into a “younger, more attractive” bill.

“When the Congress and I first drafted this bill, it was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. Elon tried to warn me about her, though, but I guess I just had rose-tinted glasses. Now I'm realizing Elon might’ve been right: There’s a little too much fat on her.” Trump told a group of reporters during a White House press conference.

A reporter then asked Trump if he was getting cold feet or reconsidering his decision to sign the bill into law:

“Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still throw her on top of my desk and sign the thing. But that’s really just until something better comes along. I’m a young guy, I’d like to keep my options open.” Trump responded.

Trump then listed some characteristics he’s looking for in a future bill:

• Hasn’t been signed by so many guys that it’s all worn out

• Doesn’t make too much of a fuss when being signed

• Not interested in children

• Conservative ideology

• Not too much fat

• Doesn’t question his authority

• So attractive that it makes other bills jealous

• Hates minorities

Republican members of the Senate are already drafting the bill at Trump’s behest, but some members of the Senate think President Trump needs to temper his expectations:

“Sometimes you have to settle for a bill that’s not perfect, but has some of what you’re looking for. You can’t keep holding out for this hypothetical perfect bill to come along and swoop you off your feet. Stuff like that only happens in fairytales,” said Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD).

Later in the day, a White House correspondent asked Trump if Melania had any thoughts on him keeping his options open, to which he replied, “Who?”

Scathing revelations cast aspersions on the newly elected Democratic nominee for the New York mayoral race.

“I remember it like it was yesterday,” says Brent Faulkner, a Media Control Center Operator at Fox News, referring to September 11th, 2001.

“We’re all standing out in the middle of the street, looking up at the North Tower when all of a sudden another plane rips across the sky and smashes into the South Tower. Then I look down, and there’s this kid just watching, not lifting a finger, almost like he wanted it to happen.” Faulkner stated on a Monday morning Fox and Friends appearance.

Faulkner’s bombshell allegations purport that Zohran Mamdani “did nothing to stop the attacks” and “just watched as the towers fell.” His story seems to align with fact, as it’s true a 9-year-old Mamdani was present in Manhattan on September 11th, 2001.

“He could’ve jumped in front of the plane or called up his Muslim friends and told them they’re flying too low. But, no. He didn’t even run into the burning buildings to save anyone. Those people, their blood is on his hands.” Faulkner continued.

Faulkner was asked why he didn’t report the 9-year-old Mamdani to the authorities at that moment:

“I wish I had. But initially, I didn’t think much of it. It wasn’t until the next day when I realized this wasn’t some kind of magic show; that the towers weren’t going to come back, when I really started to consider that maybe that kid had something to do with this”

Though Faulker was in Kansas City during the 9/11 attacks, he believes he can still confidently identify Mamdani as the child he saw in lower Manhattan that day:

“My wife is watching TV and tells me ‘Honey, this brown guy is running for Mayor of New York.’ That’s when it all started to click: New York, brown guy. ‘That’s gotta be him’ I said.”

Mamdani denies any involvement in the terrorist attacks. However, he does acknowledge that he was present in Manhattan on 9/11 and has never publicly denounced Osama Bin Laden.

Tensions between the United States and Central America continue to grow.

Since the beginning of President Donald Trump’s second term, approximately 200 immigrants from Asian countries have been deported to Costa Rica, including 80 children.

However, the government of Costa Rica is not pleased with the actions of the Trump administration:

“They just keep dropping them off by boat, we don’t know what the fuck to do with these people,” said Costa Rican President Rodrigo Chaves Robles.

“We’ve tried everything; Beating them, imprisoning them, burning them. There are just too many. I’m sick of it,” Robles continued.

The Costa Rican counterinitiative, which was announced last Monday, included plans to load the 200-something migrants back onto Costa Rican ships, to be dumped onto the shores of Naples, FL.

The plan, however, was cut short as the US Supreme Court made an extrajudicial ruling on the situation the day following the announcement. The ruling, delivered by Justice Brett Kavanaugh was succinct, yet powerful:

“Nuh uh, no takesies backsies.”

The Costa Rican President was quick to respond with a double-dog dare to revoke their decision, aimed at Justice Kavanaugh.

Kavanaugh, a seasoned pro in international diplomacy, responded “Take all our Asians or your mother gets an abrasion.” Kavanaugh’s response set off a heated back and forth between the representatives of the two nations.

President Robles: “That’s not a thing.”

Justice Kavanaugh: “Yeah, says who?”

President Robles: “Loser says what.”

Justice Kavanaugh: “What?”

President Robles: “Haha, you lose. Now take these Asians loser.”

Justice Kavanaugh: (revealing hand from behind back) “My fingers were crossed numb nuts.”

President Robles: (revealing both hands from behind back) “Well my fingers we’re double-crossed.”

Justice Kavanaugh: “That doesn’t mean squat. You’re just a loser.”

President Robles: “I know you are but what am I?”

The international crisis continues to escalate, with the UN expected to vote on the matter within the coming week. In the meantime, Asian migrants wait patiently unsure if they’ll end up in a United States or Costa Rican maximum security prison.

June 24th, 2025, a day that will serve history as a testament to diplomacy, negotiation, and above all else, peace.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Iranian Ayatollah Ali Khamenei announced their historic ceasefire agreement during a surprise joint press conference at the United Nations.

“Today, we gather to celebrate the very necessary and very temporary disbanding of arms and military conflict between our two nations,” stated Prime Minister Netanyahu.

Ayatollah Khamenei then spoke on behalf of his people regarding the grandiosity of the current moment:

“يسعدني أن أعلن، بالتعاون مع رئيس الوزراء، أننا اتفقنا على وقف إطلاق نار غير محدد سيؤدي إلى سلام عظيم لشعبينا.”

It’s unclear what the Ayatollah was trying to say, but it certainly wasn’t English.

The crowd stood in confusion, unsure how to react to the Ayatollah’s incoherent ramblings. Netanyahu relieved the tension by stating “I think what he is trying to say is that we’re very happy to have secured peace,” which resulted in the laughter of the reporters present.

The historic ceasefire was signed before the crowd to officially begin the outlined 50-second agreement between the two nations.

Unfortunately, it appears the ceasefire is already in jeopardy; While Ayatollah Khamenei’s back was turned, Prime Minister Netanyahu took the opportunity to stab him in the shoulder, 18 seconds into the ceasefire. At which point he shouted “I had to, you all saw! He was only seconds away from summoning a nuclear weapon from thin air.”

The Ayatollah, in a barbaric act of aggression, then took to shooting the Prime Minister in the kneecap.

Western leaders and media outlets have been quick to scold the Ayatollah and demand further action be taken to punish Iran’s hostility.

Yet, some scholars and political analysts continue to debate the meaning of the leaders’ actions for the ceasefire.

“We’ve seen a lot of this tit-for-tat trading of military action before, even during a ceasefire. It doesn’t mean that an all-out war will break out. I’m confident that this isolated incident will remain just that, an isolated incident” states John Bromley, a history professor at Cambridge Institute of Technology.

President Donald Trump, who played a large role in brokering the 18-second ceasefire, is reportedly already preparing himself for a Noble Peace Prize nomination:

“Muslim and Jews getting along, that’s gotta be some kind of miracle, I mean come on,” Trump told a Fox News White House correspondent.

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This Friday, the Trump administration has unleashed their new revenue-collecting initiative for the federal government.

While Israel and Iran duke it out with missile bombardments, Western media patiently awaits the Trump administration’s decision to either join Israel’s fight or avoid another Middle Eastern war catastrophe.

Thus far, Trump has been coy in his responses when questioned on potential US involvement in the Iran War:

“I’m certainly thinking it might be a possibility that we might one day believe some action or another could be taken by the United States to maybe take a sort of military-type thing against Iran,” Trump told reporters onboard Air Force One, this Wednesday.

Now, it appears the Trump administration has finally released its long-awaited statement regarding US involvement in the ongoing conflict. However, there’s one minute caveat: The statement exists behind a newly implemented whitehouse.gov paywall.

The paywall requires one to pay a minimum of 150 units of Trump brand cryptocurrency, $TRUMP, which is the equivalent of approximately $1,400 USD.

But, it appears the rollout isn’t as smooth as planned. When Bluff tried to purchase access to the Iran War decision article, we were met with more obstacles in our way.

Our $1400 payment only gave us access to the first two and a half sentences of the article:

“President Donald J. Trump has never wavered in his stance. He’s keeping his pledge, made repeatedly, both in office and on the campaign trail. President Trump believes America…”

We were then met with another paywall prompting us to become “Premium whitehouse.gov” members, of which the minimum price was 1,000 $TRUMP or roughly $9,200 USD.

From there, we gained access to the rest of the introductory paragraph:

“…President Trump believes America should come first, but that we also have a commitment to our allies, and that we must take decisive action in our stance on the matters at hand.”

In order to progress past the next pay wall, we first needed to become “Level 5 Premium-Deluxe” members, which cost 15,000 $TRUMP or $139,350 USD.

We will continue to report on the Iran War decision statement once we receive our “Level 5 Premium-Deluxe” membership card, which is expected to arrive by mail in two weeks.

Trump reportedly views the whitehouse.gov paywall feature as a massive success, the proceeds of which will go to the Trump Presidential Museum.

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This Juneteenth, President Trump shocked the country with his exciting announcement.

“It’s time this country made right on its historical wrongs,” stated the president, during his Juneteenth press conference.

“Eight score ago, the tyrannical regime of Abraham Lincoln wielded the government’s power unfairly and unjustly to rob many great American citizens of their property,” Trump stated.

Trump then addressed the financial ramifications of the abolition of slavery:

“The theft of property that slaveholders endured not only robbed them of financial security in 1865, but those financial setbacks have accrued over the course of the past 160 years. Their descendants are now poorer by great orders of magnitude, perhaps, even 1000 times poorer than they otherwise would have been.”

Stephen Miller, Trump’s Chief of Staff, proceeded to pass the president his newly signed executive order to present to the room of reporters.

“From this day forth, we will be paying reparations to the descendants of our country’s great slaveholders, in the manner of $500,000 and up to two African-American slaves we will import from Sudan,” Trump announced.

Members of the press began applauding the president for his bold initiative to heal America’s wounds of the past. Rachel McKay, a Fox News correspondent questioned the president on the methods of the reparations:

“Why Sudan? Shouldn’t the descendants receive slaves from the countries of origin that their ancestor’s slaves came from?”

Trump motioned to Miller, who took responsibility for answering the correspondent:

“While we would have liked to do things that way, it would be too resource-intensive to conduct all that research. Besides, a lot of the tribes and whatevers those slaves came from no longer exist.”

The Fox reporter repeated her initial question, “But why Sudan specifically?” Miller responded:

“Well, as you know, Sudan is in the midst of a chaotic civil war. If we take some people from there, no one would hardly even notice right now.”

Peter Franciscia, a manic CBS reporter, rudely attempted to thwart the president’s reparation announcement, attempting to poke holes in the logic of the executive order:

“Doesn’t this executive order violate the 13th amendment, which outlawed slavery in the United States?”

“What 13th amendment?” Trump retorted, displaying his infamously sharp legal prowess.

Franciscia quickly became inconsolably irate, and Trump was forced to have him escorted out of the press conference by 22 ICE agents.

The reparation executive order is to go into effect immediately. If you or a loved one believes you’re the descendant of a slaveholder, visit https://www.whitehouse.gov/reparations to apply for reparations.

Reparations do not apply to descendants of slaveholders who are also descendants of slaves.

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The genocide in Gaza appears to be taking a toll on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

This Friday, Israel launched an offensive strike on Tehran, the capital of Iran.

“I had no choice but to strike Iran,” Netanyahu stated during a Saturday press conference, a tear rolling down his left cheek. Then, he mustered up the strength to deliver the real blow:

“We’ve run out of Gazans to kill.”

The heartbreaking news tore through the room of reporters. A journalist from the Times of Israel stood up and objected:

“You monster! Who will we indiscriminately bomb now?” shouted the reporter.

Netanyahu, clearly fighting through the shame of his over-indulgence, responded to the reporter’s question:

“Fear not. I’ve found us more brown people to bomb,” he stated.

A wave of relief rushed over the press conference.

“As many of you already know, we’ve launched a new initiative to begin bombing Iran. I’m told their population is estimated to be over 90 million, and almost entirely Muslim, which should last us well into the next five years,” Netanyahu expressed to the crowd.

“Although,” he continued. “We will have to share. It’s not right for us to explode brown people in the Middle East without the United States having a share of the pie. We owe them that much.”

He then broke out in more tears, displaying a compassionate side rarely seen by the general public.

“I didn’t think I’d miss them so much.” He said, referring to the extinct Gazans.

“They were so easy to blow up and slaughter. I only wish there were more of them, still here, to murder and exterminate.”

Another reporter then stood up in protest:

“You fool! Iranians are nothing like Gazans. They’re capable of fighting back! We’re all gonna starve.”

“Exactly!” Netanyahu retorted.

“They are capable of fighting back! That’s why I needed to bomb them before they could bomb us.”

The reporter then sat back down in remorse, and Netanyahu continued his announcement:

“Before I launched the strikes on Iran, I obtained clear intelligence reports that the Iranians were only one nuclear weapon away from obtaining nuclear weapons.”

The crowd gasped in fear.

“However, we mustn’t move forward, without remembering the lessons of the past. This time, we will be more self-disciplined in our strikes. We will allow the population to have time to recuperate between bombing campaigns. Never again, will I allow the great nation of Israel to run out of brown people to exterminate!” He cried out, thus concluding the press conference to roars of applause.

Prime Minister Netanyahu is to visit the Oval Office to conduct negotiations with President Trump regarding Iranian bombing allotments.

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“It’s days like this I really miss him,” Trump told a Fox News reporter.

It’s June 14th, 2025, the day of President Donald Trump’s $45 million military parade, but the President reportedly isn’t feeling the festive spirit.

“He loved birthday military parades like this,” Trump said wiping a tear from his eye. “I just know he would’ve loved to see this. Birthdays are just really tough, knowing he’s not here by my side.”

Trump states that he isn’t even sure he’d be having a birthday military parade without his Fuhrer:

“As a child, I always heard about these amazing parades that he would have. Without him, there’d likely be no parade today, and I likely wouldn’t be the person I am today,” he stated.

Reporters quickly attempted to raise the president’s spirits, but alas, he remained somber in mood:

“Normally I’d have Elon with me. He’d do the salute, and that would cheer me up a bit. Now, I don’t even have him. I have no one.”

White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt gave a statement presenting her dissatisfaction with the press:

“You know, I really wish they wouldn’t have brought up the Fuhrer with the President. He was in such a good mood this morning and now he’s all pouty. Do you know how much work went into making today special for him?” She chastised the press.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was asked to give his perspective on the president’s mood:

“I think he needs to snap out of it. Sure, Adolf’s gone. I miss him, you miss him, we all do. But we’re keeping his spirit alive with this parade. Once the parade gets going, I think the president will change his mood.” Hegseth stated.

Hegseth is confident the parade with take the president’s mind off his fuhrer’s absence, adding that “we’re planning on attaching a few illegals to the bigger firework rockets. If that doesn’t put a smile on his face, then I’ll personally suck each and every one of your dicks,” he told the group of reporters.

The parade is already in motion, as hundreds show up to line the streets of DC, and Trump administration officials begin passing out free armbands.

One can only hope that the parade will bring happiness to President Trump in his time of need.

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“It’s an honor to apply my training in Los Angeles to fight real brown enemies overseas,” said Private Jason Marsh of the U.S. Army.

The United States has begun shifting military personnel and resources from Los Angeles, CA to the Middle East following an Israeli missile strike on Iran. President Donald Trump defended the reallocation of military assets and America’s lasting commitment to Israel’s protection in the Oval Office this Friday, stating “We must ensure that Israel has the right to endanger itself, and the United States.”

For many U.S. soldiers, the timing is near perfect, as 30,000 troops recently completed their “fighting brown people training” in Los Angeles this week.

Sergeant Redd Grant believes the shift for the U.S. soldiers will be a smooth adjustment:

“I served in Iraq starting back in 04, it’s really no different than battling brown people domestically. I’ve always said Muslims are like the Mexicans of the Middle East.”

While Sergeant Grant thinks the transition will be painless, there are a few key differences between L.A. training camp and Middle East deployment:

“Sure, the mission statement is the same: ‘If it’s brown, shoot it down,’ but, deployment is much more intensive than training. During training, you’re rarely allowed to fire your weapon, and if you do it’s usually with rubber rounds. It mostly serves as a blunt object to beat protesters with. In the Middle East, however, you have to shoot first and ask questions later. It’s a much different mindset,” states General Lee Hammond.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth spoke before the press where he displayed his excitement for the upcoming deployment:

“Iran, wow. This is the big leagues folks. We’ve wanted this war for so long, now that it’s actually here I can hardly believe it. I just want to thank my mom, my dad, and all the people in my life who’ve gotten me to where I am today. Under the brave leadership of myself and President Trump, the United States’ military can finally go back to doing what it loves; bombing brown people.”

The news of the deployment has received bipartisan support from U.S. officials. Senator Chuck Schumer (D-NY) spoke on behalf of his party on the Senate floor:

“I haven’t had a hard-on this solid since we took down Saddam. Let’s do this boys.” Schumer stated to massive applause.

The deployment comes just one day before the “U.S. Military 250th Anniversary Parade” planned for Washington DC, and President Trump reportedly couldn’t be more pleased with the timing. The parade is estimated to cost $45 million and will celebrate America’s long history of killing brown people and other minorities domestically and abroad.

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It’s a miracle!

During a press conference in July of 2023, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared to freeze in place while answering questions from reporters. Since that fateful day, McConnell has been confined to his frozen position outside the Senate chambers.

Over the past two years, McConnell’s frozen corpse has become somewhat of a tourist spot. Tour groups make sure to visit the infamous “McCon-sicle” and have their photos taken while performing fun poses in front of the motionless Senator.

The frozen McConnell is even marked as a destination on Google Maps and was reportedly generating hundreds of millions of dollars in tourism for the Washington, D.C. area, with plans to center a theme park around the Senator, to be built by 2031.

However, those plans now need to be put on halt, as it appears this sightseeing spot may have been for a limited time only, as this Wednesday McConnell showed the first sign of movement in two years.

“Ahh! I just saw it move!” screamed a British tourist, her voice echoing throughout the halls of the Senate.

Republican lawmakers ran from their offices to see with their own eyes if the claims were true. They were not disappointed. With the band of conservative senators surrounding him, at 2:07 PM and 11 seconds, McConnell’s left eye blinked slowly for all to see.

“Glory be! Glory be unto all!” shouted Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) before dropping to his knees and making the sign of the cross over his chest.

Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) broke down in tears, and took the floor:

“I hereby announce my departure from the position of Senate Majority leader and nominate the former leader, the great and almighty Mitch McConnell, to retake his chair at once!” Thune cried.

Thune’s speech was met with three “hip-hip-horrays” from his Republican colleagues present. Pope Leo XIV then burst through the door and cried out “Is it true? Has the prophecy been foretold?”

“Aye!” The Republican Senators answered in unison. At which point Pope Leo shed his ropes and threw his pocket Bible in the garbage stating that “it no longer has any use for [him].”

It’s reported that Republican leadership is already preparing McConnell for a 2028 presidential campaign, which he is expected to win handily. 2028, however, is still a ways away, and many Senators were simply happy to focus on the present:

“I’m just happy to have my friend back. I mean just look at him,” stated Senator Lindsey Graham smiling ear to ear next to his old pal McConnell.

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Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has told the Center for Disease Control to stop recommending fluoridated drinking water.

The decision from Kennedy comes after the Supreme Court ruled against the EPA’s ability to enforce fecal matter limits in drinking water, this March.

However, Kennedy believes not only should fecal matter not be avoided in drinking water, but it may actually hold the key to a myriad of health benefits.

“We’ve seen a rise in FMTs or fecal matter transplants in the field of medicine over the past decade. Fecal matter is ripe with healthy bacteria that restores the intestinal microbiome.” Kennedy stated at a press conference this Tuesday.

“Unfortunately, fluoride can kill the good bacteria contained within poop water. This is why I will henceforth have the CDC recommend that poop-drinking water be non-fluoridated, and ensure every American will have access to at-home fecal transplants in their faucets, shower heads, and refrigerators.” he continued.

But Kennedy wasn’t satisfied with the audience taking him at his word, he instead decided to put his poop where his mouth is.

“Here with me I’ve got a delicious glass of fresh non-fluoridated poop water,” Kennedy stated before taking a swig of the thick brownish water.

“Finally I can grow my intestinal microbiome without being exposed to the harmful effects of fluoride consumption,” he told the crowd.

Kennedy stated he’s been drinking non-fluoridated poop water for weeks and he already feels “stronger and more energetic.” Although, some medical professionals aren’t quite convinced of the science:

“While studies on fluoride consumption show there are some risks involved, it’s usually at much higher levels than are typically found in drinking water. The benefits to dental health far outweigh any potential problems. At this time I think it’s a mistake to remove it, and the public should continue drinking fluorinated fecal water,” stated Dr. Harvey Roune, a dental medicine specialist at NYU Langone.

Others, however, think Kennedy is on to something:

“I believe Kennedy has introduced a great point regarding fecal transplants. The safe and effective procedure may translate somewhat into the fecal drinking water phenomena he cites. While more study is needed, there appears to be potential health benefits with very little in the matter of safety concerns. I say go for it,” stated a homeless crack addict we interviewed on Canal St.

Kennedy is already looking to the future as he works with state and local officials to reroute sewage pipelines directly into water supply distribution systems.