Area Man Unsure Whether He's Attractive Enough To Murder CEO
“Lately, I’ve just been pretty down on myself,” said Tyler Mollina, a 42-year-old New York local.
Tyler’s not alone. Since the murder of UnitedHealth CEO, Brian Thompson, almost every man has been asking themselves the same question:
“Am I attractive enough to murder a CEO?”
Luigi Mangione, the main suspect in the Thompson murder case, has been the internet’s favorite new crush since his arrest. His conventional attractiveness has caused a cult-like following to emerge online and the admiration of women from all sides of the political aisle.
However, not everyone feels fondly about Mangione. Tyler Mollina says that Mangione’s following only fuels unrealistic beauty standards for murderers everywhere.
“I just feel like if I kill a CEO, no one would care. There’d be no chicks sending me their panties in prison, nothing… I’ve killed guys before and I never thought twice about it. But now when I look in the mirror I’m constantly asking myself if I’m enough. I haven’t murdered anyone in months and I’m starting to feel like I might never again.” Said Mollina.
Heartbreaking stories like Tyler Mollina’s are being echoed all over the country. Even more troubling, the FBI reports that since Mangione’s arrest, violent murders are down 27%. Murders of the nation’s top earners are even lower, down by 41%.
Mollina’s tragic tale goes even deeper, as he tells us he had to cancel an upcoming premeditated homicide:
“I had this CEO all picked out. George McDowe, GloboChem. I had his daily routine, I had the weapon. But the morning of, I couldn’t even garner the energy to get out of bed. I just looked at my face on Snapchat and thought ‘Who am I kidding?’ Now I just have to scrap the whole thing.”
Dr. Jill Rohan, PhD - Psychologist Specializing in Men’s Mental Health, wants men to know that there’s light at the end of the tunnel:
“Appearance is something that everyone struggles with at some point. There’s a common misconception that men don’t have these struggles, and that’s simply not the case. I’ve worked with a number of clients who have trouble looking in the mirror after they murder someone, and I’m here to tell you that help is out there.”
Dr. Rohan continued to say that she hopes men of all sizes, shapes, and appearances, get the confidence they need to get out there and shoot someone in the head or chop them up into little bits.