Cancer Patients Take Solace Knowing Research Cuts Will Fund Awesome Military Parade

Finally, some good news.

In their efforts to cut wasteful spending in the government, DOGE and the Trump administration have saved the US taxpayer billions in useless cancer research funding. With all those savings, many have wondered, what will the money go to? Well, now we know.

The Trump administration has announced a military parade has been arranged in Washington D.C. for June 14th. The parade will celebrate the 250th anniversary of the forming of the US military, and just so happens to coincide with Trump’s birthday. A double win for America!

The parade is set to feature both historical US Army vehicles and equipment, as well as new state-of-the-art helicopters, planes, and tanks. It’s sure to be one of the most spectacular demonstrations of American brilliance ever to be celebrated. There are even some reports that planned flyovers will include a B-2 Stealth Bomber, which will drop red, white, and blue-colored smoke trails of asbestos over the crowd.

“I just hope I live long enough to see it!” said Rachel May, a 24-year-old bone cancer patient.

Rachel May isn’t alone, tons of cancer patients have shared their delight at the parade announcement online. Jack Reagan, a 65-year-old with stage 3 prostate cancer, released a TikTok in which he stated:

“At first I was happy knowing all those research cuts would save me some money on my taxes. But now that I know the money is going to a sick-ass military parade, I’m even more excited.”

Some have even speculated the parade will feature Trump’s brand new 400 million dollar luxury Boeing 747, which he received for free from the Qatari royal family. Though the plane was free, it will need hundreds of millions of dollars of work for it to be suitable as Air Force One. But fear not, the expenses are practically covered by the cuts to brain tumor research alone.

Suzie Doutry, a 33-year-old sufferer of a rare type of ovarian cancer, had some choice words for President Trump regarding the parade:

“It’s utterly ridiculous and obscene. First, you’re going to cut cancer research, then you’re going to use the money to fund an extravagant military parade on your birthday? This should have been done years ago! He was President in 2017, why didn’t he do it then? We could’ve had 8 awesome parades by now!”

Unfortunately, Ms. Doutry will not be able to attend the mind-blowing parade. She will be stuck in Indianapolis taking care of her two children, the best that she can as a single mother. However, she didn’t let that dampen her spirit:

“I’m just happy Donald Trump is going to have a really cool birthday. At the end of the day, that’s worth more than any cancer cure.”

Officials expect at least 200,000 people to attend, and almost 7000 soldiers to take part in the parade. It’s sure to require intricate planning and careful budgeting.

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth spoke before the press this Thursday about the parade planning process:

“The cuts to childhood cancer research gave us the boost we needed to really make this baby purr. You don’t realize it, but childhood cancer research is super expensive. It includes leukemia, lymphoma, spinal tumor research, you name it. That gave us around 150 million to play around with, which we ended up using entirely on the firework display. It’s gonna be fucking awesome.”

President Trump was questioned in the Oval Office concerning the parade’s funding. He was asked if he believed the cuts to cancer research to fund a birthday military parade could be seen as callous:

“This parade is going to be so fucking dope, it might actually cure cancer,” Trump retorted.

Tickets for the parade are available now on America250’s website. Be sure to grab them quickly before they're all gone! It’s important to state that tickets can only be purchased using $TRUMP coin, Donald Trump’s cryptocurrency.