Cory Booker Speech Hits 738 Hour Mark
Democratic Sen. Cory Booker continued to leave his mark in the halls of history today as his record-breaking Senate speech reached its 738th hour.
Booker’s speech has touched on a wide range of topics plaguing the nation. In just the first 42 hours, he vocalized his strong convictions that the Democratic party should serve as a “beacon of hope” in a time of “deeply seeded unconstitutionality.”
Somewhere around hour 85, it appeared that Booker began to lose steam, casting a wider and wider net in his search for things to blab on about.
“And then, uh, I don’t know. Maybe we need to start being a family again. Like a country, but we’re a family. Is that anything? I think that could be something. Uhhhh, what else, what else?” Booker said.
However, he managed to pull himself back together by hour 198, when he decided to move on to the audience-participation movie-trivia portion of the speech, which was a fan-favorite amongst his fellow members.
The speech has amazed both historians and scientists alike, as in these short 30.75 days Booker hasn’t broken for food or water, once. In fact, he hasn’t even stopped for masturbation, and has been surprisingly coherent through his once-a-day stroke sessions. Dr. Eric Kessler, Director of Human Biology at the D.C. Institute for Medicine states:
“Well, a man’s gotta rub it out, especially if he wants to keep a sharp focus. His ability to remain upright without food or water for 738 hours is somewhat surprising, but not entirely inexplicable, scientifically speaking. If he refrained from jerking off as well, now that’s a different story.”
Although there was some initial confusion around whether or not the speech was filibusting any upcoming legislation. It was quickly clarified to be “just a speech” by Senator Chuck Schumer.
“We believe a filibuster would’ve been too disruptive. We wouldn’t want to take any political action that could potentially have any sort of meaningful effect. That’s what separates us from them” said Schumer, referring to his Republican colleagues.
Booker’s accomplishment echoed throughout the vestibules of the government, garnering reactions from practically all those in power. When asked to comment on the historic speech, Senator Andy Kim said “Holy shit, he’s still going? I was supposed to cut him off when he broke the record,” before dashing off in the opposite direction.
Many critics have been quick to dismiss the speech as “pointless” and “lacking in any substantive ability to bring about change.” However, nothing could be further from the truth as evident by President Donald Trump’s reaction.
Trump, who was a major target of Booker’s rhetorical drubbing, was deeply moved by the speech, stating:
“Senator Cory Booker’s awe-inspiring speech has forced to take a deep reflection; Not only regarding my behavior as President, but as a fellow human being. From this day forward, we will all strive for a better America. Akin to the idyllic America outlined in Senator Booker’s spectacular speech. I’m not ashamed to say it: Cory Booker is my hero.”