Court Grants Musk Weekend Custody Of JD Vance

In a nasty public divorce between former first lady Elon Musk and President Donald Trump, a federal court has ruled that Musk is to take weekend custody of JD Vance.

The divorce announcement came after Musk’s departure from the White House last week. The couple reportedly had irreconcilable disagreements about Trump’s “big beautiful bill".”

However, speculation has run rampant online after reports the Trump administration is considering a partnership with Palantir, a software company owned by Peter Thiel. Some believe Trump may have gotten in bed with Thiel before his relationship with Musk was officially over, hinting that Trump decided to leave Musk for a younger tech oligarch.

“How come no one cares what I want?” Vice President JD Vance murmured under his breath during a Fox News appearance this Thursday.

It is unclear at the moment what exactly Vance wants, as he has deep ties to the tech oligarchy, but sworn political allegiance to Trump. Vance previously had personal and financial relationships with both the newly divorced Musk and Trump’s new plaything Peter Thiel, which has surely put him in an uncomfortable position.

The Vice President appears to be taking the separation harder than anyone, as he has been the subject of an unpleasant judicial skirmish while Trump and Musk battled for custody. The judge handling the case at the DC Superior Court has finally come to a ruling, granting President Trump rights to Vance Monday through Friday, while Musk has weekend custody.

Trump expressed his dissatisfaction with the ruling on Truth Social:

“The CORRUPT and CRAZY judge at the DC Court has made the horrible decision of not letting me see my BABY BOY on the weekends! Rather he is to be with KETAMINE LOCO ELON! I hope that little weasel knows that if he hurts my little snookums I’m going to have his ass DEPORTED!!!!” Trump posted.

Trump has already rescinded his former policy of granting White South Africans refugee status citing “This country already has enough back-stabbers and traitors.”

Musk is reportedly shocked by the custody ruling, but happy nonetheless to be granted partial custody of Vance.

“Throughout all my divorces, I’ve never fought for custody once, so this was quite a new experience for me,” Musk told a CBS reporter during an interview this Monday. The court battle will persist as Musk fights to continue his decades-long refusal to pay alimony.

However, Musk’s cordial demeanor during his CBS interview did not last. He took to X to share his dissatisfaction with Trump:

“It comes as no shock to me that my ex is now parading around with Peter Thiel. Funny how when I voiced my concerns to him about Thiel I was just being ‘jealous’ and ‘crazy.’ Guess I’m not so crazy after all.” Musk wrote.

There’s sure to be more airing of dirty laundry as the two continue to hash out their divorce online, so stay tuned.