Delta To Begin Charging Additional Fee For Non-Flaming Flights

Delta Airlines has announced its plans to enact a bold new earnings strategy.

CEO Ed Bastian publicized that the airline will now charge an additional fee for non-flaming flights. The new policy will cost passengers $70 each per non-flaming flight and is expected to net the airline $250 million in profit.

“These days, customers have become accustomed to having many different choices. Why should non-worrisome customers, unaffected by things like fire, be forced to pay the same as those who have pickier taste in their flight selection?” Bastian said in an interview with The New York Times.

The reversal is a departure from Delta’s long-held “You Get What You Get And You Don’t Get Upset” policy regarding engine fires, loss of life, and aviation structural integrity.

Contingent on the rollout of the new policy, Bastian believes there is room for expansion in the future:

“We’re currently looking at a tiered model. You could have things like no engine fires in the top tier; A tier below that could be up to one engine fire, maybe some explosions; And then a tier below that will be our original ‘Anything Goes’ policy.”

Bastian was asked if the new policy opened the doors to offsetting fare prices, allowing for cheaper flights, to which he responded, “Fuck no. If anything, we’re raising the fares.”

Delta customers believe the change is a step in the right direction:

“Personally, I plan on springing for the non-flaming flights the next time I fly!" screamed a passenger of Delta Flight 446 as the Los Angeles fire department desperately attempted to extinguish him.

Since the announcement, Delta Airlines stock (NYSE: DAL) has risen 8.3%, and is expected to go even higher.