Democrats Reassure Firing Squad 'Just A Distraction'

While President Trump’s ‘big beautiful bill’ makes its way through the Senate, Democrats direct the public to keep their eye on the ball.

In an unprecedented legal move, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth, under the order of President Trump, has detained several Democratic Senators, who will be put to death by firing squad.

Among others, the list of those apprehended includes Chris Murphy (D-CT), Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), Chuck Schumer (D-NY), and Cory Booker (D-NJ).

The press was invited to televise their executions, but the Senators believed there were more important things to be focused on. Keeping a calm composure through the execution, Senator Murphy reassured the public that this was “nothing more than a distraction.”

“Moves like this are a purposefully inflammatory attempt to garner media attention so we lose focus from the real issues,” Murphy told the press.

“We must keep our attention on the outright lies of the Trump administration, and the ‘big beautiful bill.’ The bill will add more than $2 trillion to the deficit in the next 10 years!” Murphy shouted.

Senator Kirsten Gillibrand had a similar view to Senator Murphy:

“The Ethics Committee will open an investigation into this execution, and in a few months, they will release their report condemning this act. I’m not worried about it. What worries me is that without our guidance, the Democratic party might fall into the hands of ultra-left wackos like AOC,” she asserted.

Cory Booker was perhaps the only Senator to directly address the “poor optics” of a firing squad executing government officials at the president’s behest:

“This is un-American by every stretch of the imagination. Someone needs to step up and stop America’s slide into authoritarianism, and if that someone should be me, so be it. Tomorrow evening I will deliver a 26-hour speech on the Senate floor denouncing this execution.” he stated.

The firing squad then began opening fire one by one down the line of Senators. After collapsing to the floor, while bleeding out, Chuck Schumer pleaded to the press:

“Quick! In my front shirt pocket; There’s a strongly worded letter! Take it and bring it to Trump, at once! The diction will bring an end to this tyrannical regime!” Schumer shouted as his consciousness faded into oblivion.

While the Senators believed the executions “would only serve as a distraction,” it appears that’s not the case, as polling shows only 3% of Americans are even aware the executions occurred.

Following the deaths of the Democratic Senators, reportedly no one has noticed much change on Capitol Hill.