DOJ Finds Jeffrey Epstein Was Actually A Chill Guy Once You Got To Know Him

A review overseen by Attorney General Pam Bondi has concluded that the deceased financier Jeffrey Epstein was “actually a chill guy once you got to know him.”

The department has released hours of declassified footage as part of its review. In the footage, Epstein can be seen reclining in a lounge chair, sipping on what appears to be a strawberry daiquiri.

The memo also reported that Epstein was “very generous” when extending invitations to his private tropical island and would frequently tell friends, “come out whenever, just let me know.” He would even fly acquaintances out to the island on his private jet.

Alongside the release of the report, Attorney General Pam Bondi spoke at a press conference to address concerns:

“I know Mr. Epstein has been condemned as a controversial figure in recent years. However, after speaking to those who knew him best, it has become readily apparent that we simply misunderstood him. He was seemingly actually a super cool dude when you cut threw the bullshit and talked to him one on one,” Bondi told the audience of reporters.

Bondi continued to express how she realizes “child sex trafficking looks bad at face value,” but if you knew Epstein, you’d say to yourself: oh, that is so Jeff.”

An ABC News correspondent then questioned Bondi on her reversal of policy regarding the Epstein client list release:

“What happened to the evidence implicating others, you said you would release? Is the DOJ still planning on going after third parties involved?”

“I’m not sure what you mean when you say ‘third party.’ This guy had so many great parties, it’s hard to keep track. I don’t believe the DOJ has plans to numerical sequence them, no.” Bondi responded.

President Donald Trump commended Bondi and the DOJ on the release of the report during an Oval Office press conference and announced the conclusion of his own investigation into Epstein:

“In 1987, I began my own independent investigation into the man. From then until about 2004, I posed as his best friend to gain personal information and probe Epstein. I quickly learned just how laid-back a guy he was. He knew I didn’t drink, so he would always have fresh snatch around me instead. That’s just the type of great guy he was. I can say with certainty that my own personal findings match those in the recently released DOJ report,” Trump told reporters.

Trump also told reporters about his battle with depression following the suicide of his long-time friend, stating “sometimes the happiest seeming are hiding a deep, dark secret: depression” and the importance of “checking in on your loved ones.”