Federal Worker Rehired After Elon Musk Discovers It's One Of His Illegitimate Children
“I’m really happy to have been given a second chance,” said XD*@!HE-BASNUD, a worker at the National Nuclear Security Administration.
XD*@!HE-BASNUD was fired last week along with some 300 other employees at the NNSA.
“My job was to run system safety checks and ensure the nuclear weapons were operational, safe, and not going to have a launch malfunction,” said XD*@!HE-BASNUD.
When XD*@!HE-BASNUD received the news he’d been fired; He was shocked:
“I got an email from BigBalls69@fuckyou.gov telling me I’d been let go and stripped of my security clearance. I was quite frightened. This isn’t exactly the kind of job where you can remove that position and still keep the nuclear stockpile safe and secure.”
However, a week later, XD*@!HE-BASNUD received another email. This one, from Elon Musk. The email reads:
“FROM: DOGEYSTYLE@fuckyou.gov
Dear XD*@!HE-BASNUD,
I was reading a list of all the fired federal employees as masturbation material, when I happened upon your name. When I saw in your file that you were 32 years old, it struck me, for 32 years ago I fathered a child who I gave that same name. I’m not sure if you’re my XD*@!HE-BASNUD, as the name is common enough, but if it's truly you, please reply to this email with the tale of your birth and 5 things you did at work last week. I may be able to alleviate your situation.
- Elon.”
XD*@!HE-BASNUD says he never knew his father growing up, but he always had an idea it was possibly Musk.
“My name wasn’t really like the other kids. My mother always told me my father chose my name, so I knew whoever he was, he had to be some kind of absolute freak. When I’d ask about my father, my mother would always tell me he was a mentally handicapped loser, which gave me the suspicion that it was Elon Musk.”
When he read the email from Musk, XD*@!HE-BASNUD was conflicted.
“I was an emotional trainwreck, to be honest. I didn’t know what to feel. On one hand, I may be able to get my job back, and on the other hand, I just found out my father is a sociopathic attention-craving crybaby loser.”
XD*@!HE-BASNUD responded to the email and afterwards met with Musk in person. Musk maintains that XD*@!HE-BASNUD’s position at the NNSA was unnecessary government waste, and would not allow him to be reinstated. However, Musk did rehire XD*@!HE-BASNUD at the federal government, just not at the NNSA. XD*@!HE-BASNUD now works as a DOGE-consultant.
“I don’t really do much. I pretty much just play phone games and jerk off.” said XD*@!HE-BASNUD of his new position.
XD*@!HE-BASNUD says he is much happier at his new job as the pay he recieves from the federal government is almost triple of what he earned at the NNSA. Although he now sometimes worries about the lack of oversight at the United States’ nuclear facilities.