FEMA Now Just One Guy With Life Jacket, Rope
“We’re as committed as ever to helping people before, during, and after disasters," said Matthew Tillerman, the last employee of the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
President Donald Trump’s second term in office has been marked by federal agency spending cuts, with agencies like FEMA and NOAA on the chopping block.
Matthew Tillerman, an unpaid intern at FEMA, describes his shock when learning about the department’s spending cuts:
“One day, I just showed up and everyone was gone. It was just me.”
Tillerman’s courage to continue his role as an unpaid intern led to him receiving a phone call from the President himself. This Sunday, Trump called Tillerman to alert him that FEMA has been granted authorization to initiate rescue efforts in the flooded areas of Texas.
Local officials in Texas have confirmed at least 80 deaths across 6 counties as a result of the floods.
“I just hope this Tillerman kid is as good as people say he is,” states Ann-Marie Bunman, a Kerr County local.
Trump has assured the people of Texas that Tillerman has been supplied with a life jacket and 10-yard rope, which “should be more than enough to advance rescue efforts.”
“If Trump put this Matthew Tillerman guy in charge, then I’m sure he’s more than capable! I trust him!” shouted an unnamed drowning civilian as he floated by.
Tillerman has already arrived in Texas and is reportedly brainstorming ways he can use his rope:
“I’m thinking maybe if I see someone drowning, I’ll throw it to them. Or perhaps I can tie it to a pole or something.” Tillerman told local channel 7 reporters.
“Don’t forget you also have a life jacket!” President Trump stated during an Oval Office Press Conference, seemingly in response to Tillerman’s local news appearance.
Although Trump has placed a great deal of responsibility on Tillerman, he is also hedging his bets:
“We will be taking all of the many MILLIONS of dollaros that we saved from FEMA WASTE, and giving it to the Trump Presidential Library FAITH advisor. He will use the money to send PRICELESS THOUGHTS and PRAYERS to Texas. God will help!!!” Trump posted on Truth Social.
Trump, who recently appointed himself as the Trump Presidential Library's Faith advisor, plans to begin praying sometime in the coming month, as to not overwhelm God.
With the death count rising, Texas’s hopes now lie in the capable hands of Matthew Tillerman and his rope and life jacket.