First American Pope Vows To Reduce Firearm Regulation
History was made today as Cardinal Robert Prevost of Chicago, Illinois, was voted to be the first ever American pope.
White smoke exited the chiment of the Sistene Chapel at 6:07 PM, May 8th 2025, announcing to the world that a new pope has been chosen.
What to know:
Who is Robert Prevost? The former pope, Francis, introduced Prevost to the Vatican in 2011 where he worked as an intern. Prevost’s role as an intern including tasks such as coffee runs, vaccumming, and antique inventory. From there, Prevost quickly rose through the ranks at the Vatican, becoming social media manager, bookkeeper, all the way up to Cardinal.
How was the new pope chosen? In a process known as a conclave, the College of Cardinals are locked within the Sistine Chapel, to have no outside contact with the outside world. In the chapel, the Cardinals hold a “no-holds-barred” wet t-shirt dance contest. The winner of the contest is decided by vote, and then elected as the new pope.
Why the name Pope Leo XIV? When elected, the pope chooses a new name to accompany his new title. Prevost chose the name Leo, as “leo” means lion in Latin. Prevost has often been compared to a lion on account of being able to lick his own balls.
Pope Leo XIV delivered his first address as pope to crowds in St. Peter’s Square. He first greeted the crowd with the phrase “Peace be with you,” before outlining his larger mission as pope.
“We must all remember that the Second Amendment allows individuals the absolute right to keep and bear firearms. We must ensure that no governing body of man has the ability to restrict the rights that were given by God.”
As the pope finished his sentence, a triad of F-22 fighter jets tore across the sky, leaving behind smoke trails of red, white, and blue.
“It is time for us to stop building walls and start building firearms. I’ve just spoken to God, and he was angered by the attempts of man to squander the gifts which he has provided.”
He then opened his rope to show the crowds of St. Peter’s Square that he was carrying two concealed firearms on his person. One was a handgun, appearing to be a Beretta M9. The larger firearm is believed to be a Beretta AR70/90.
“If you want these bad boys, you’re gonna have to pry them from my cold, dead hands,” said the pope, amassing massive applause from the crowd.
The Vatican then released hundreds of bald eagles into the crowd and blasted “Fortunate Son” by Creedence Clearwater Revival over the Vatican Speaker System as the pope made his exit.