'I Was The White House Easter Bunny. Now Pete Hegseth Won't Stop Texting Me War Crimes'
“Every 10 minutes my phone’s buzzing with some bullshit about bombing this person or that person,” said the 41-year-old professional Easter Bunny, Jason McEntell.
“I’ve been in the Easter Bunny business for as long as I can remember, practically. I come from a family of bunnies. My father was an Easter Bunny, and his father before him. Mostly serving the local church circuits, nothing flashy, but it’s honest work.”
When McEntell, who has been a professional Easter Bunny for almost 23 years, received the news he’d be leading the 2025 White House Egg Hunt, he could hardly believe it.
“I’d never thought I was a good enough bunny. Certainly not half the bunny my father was. So yeah, when they called me up to the big leagues, you can say I was pretty fucking amped.”
Though McEntell has a criminal record consisting of a DUI and Negligent Homicide, he managed to pass a background check conducted by the Trump administration.
“So there I am, on the White House lawn, hiding eggs, taking pictures. It was like a dream come true.”
But McEntell’s dreams soon turned to nightmares as Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth approached him and began to strike up a conversation.
“Usually I don’t like to talk to the adults, while I’m on the job. I try not to ruin the magic for the kids. But, this wasn’t just any egg hunt. This was THE 2025 White-fucking-House Easter Celebration. I was nervous as could be, so when this Hegseth guy started talking to me, I went along with it.”
Video from the Easter celebration confirms McEntell’s story, showing Hegseth engaged in conversation with him for over 43 minutes.
“First he asks me if I got a wife. So I say ‘Yeah, but I’m about two whiskey-sodas away from a divorce.’ He really found that funny, and from then on out I just couldn’t get rid of the guy.”
It seems that Hegseth didn’t want the conversation to end, exchanging phone numbers with the first-time White House Easter Bunny. Two days later, McEntell received another surprise communication from the White House.
The first message reads:
“UPDATE
TIME NOW (13:20et): Weather is FAVORABLE.
CENTCOM CONFIRMED: we are GO for Operation Snap Hatch
13:50et: F-18 1st Strike Window Starts. (Target is at KNOWN location: Abbas Square. Potential Civilian Casualties: 1-150).
14:10et: Strike on Target (THIS IS WHEN THE BOMBS WILL DROP)
14:15et: 2nd Strike Team and Backup Tomahawks launch (if necessary)
MORE TO FOLLOW (per timeline)”
At first, McEntell couldn’t make sense of what this message was or why he had received it.
“I’m thinking, this is a wrong number or something. So I send back ‘I think you got the wrong number,’ to which he replies ‘Is this Jason?' I say ‘Yeah.’ He goes ‘You’re the Easter Bunny, right?”
The texts continue from there.
“I’ve tried anything I can to tell this guy that I’m just not interested in hearing about this stuff. He just won’t take the hint. He sends me all these aerial satellite photos of leveled buildings or dead crowds, and I really just don’t want to see that stuff.”
No matter what McEntell attempts, he can’t shake Hegseth’s messages. He expressed to us that since the messages are sent through the Signal app, it’s “practically impossible” to block Hegseth’s contact.
“At this point I’ll probably end up having to get a new number,” McEntell concluded.