Jake Tapper Releases New 352-Ply Toilet Paper
CNN’s Jake Tapper is making headlines this week with his release of an all-new kind of luxury toilet paper.
The average American uses approximately 141 rolls of toilet paper each year, so it’s important you find a brand that’s easy on your tush. This is where Original Sin by Jake Tapper comes in. This 352-ply toilet paper is strong, low lint, extra absorbent, and an absolute dream on your behind.
Original Sin toilet paper utilizes a new “center-bound” technological breakthrough. Each ply of paper is bound in the center of the roll, creating a sort of “paper fan,” allowing one wipe to do the job of 352 wipes. That’s right, Original Sin comes with a 1-wipe guarantee, ensuring your heinie is spotless after just one wipe!”
Customer reviews are already praising the toilet paper as the best thing since sliced bread!
One Amazon reviewer states:
“I’m not sure why, but I mistakenly bought this thinking it was a book. You can imagine my surprise when I opened the package and saw that it was wiping tissue. But after one use I was beyond satisfied with the product. My butthole hasn’t felt this clean in a decade! I’ll definitely be adding this to my weekly delivery list!
While the toilet paper has received great reviews online, some are claiming that the technology is nothing new.
“I’ve been releasing high-ply center-bound toilet paper for years. This is nothing but cheap imitation,” says conservative commentator Mark R. Levin.
While it’s true that Levin has released a great deal of ass-wiping material, none has reached the mainstream success of Jake Tapper’s new toilet paper.
However, not every review has been so kind. Macy Stone, an online blogger, described her negative experience with Original Sin while shopping for toilet paper.
“I went to my local Target to pick up a roll of Original Sin and to my disgust, I discovered the roll I selected had already been used and put back on the shelf. Inside, someone had already filled every page with complete and utter shit! An overall disgusting experience.” Said Stone in a Tuesday edition of her blog.
But, Stone is actually mistaken. The “shit” she reported seeing in her roll of Original Sin was actually ink-printed words on each sheet. The words are actually meant to serve as a comedic retelling of history, that you can peruse as you wipe.
The sheets describe a story from Jake Tapper’s perspective where he claims not to have known about President Biden’s painfully obvious mental decline and still has the audacity to call himself an investigative journalist. An absolute laugh riot!
So don’t be alarmed if you open your roll of Original Sin and it’s already covered in “shit!”
Rolls are retailing for $34, and are available in most major stores. You can purchase on Amazon here. Pick up your copy now, your asshole will thank you later!