JD Vance To Visit Vatican City, Stalk Prey
Vice President JD Vance and Secretary of State Marco Rubio will attend Pope Leo XIV's inaugural mass this Sunday.
Pope Leo XIV is the first American pope and was selected following the death of Pope Francis, shortly after Francis met with JD Vance.
Since Pope Francis’ death, JD Vance has reportedly been foaming at the mouth in anticipation of a new pope taking his place.
“An American pope. They thought that would stop me? Cast your sacrificial lamb in a patriotic seal, I care not. My hunger is not disconcerted by the tricks and folly of your disguise. This Sunday, I will be given my daily bread, as my will be done.” Whispered Vance, rubbing his hands together in the corner of the Oval Office.
Marco Rubio, who has never met a pope, expressed his nervousness for the upcoming trip.
“I’ve tried all I can to stop him. That thing, it’s not human. You must do something, please! If there’s a God, he will crash our plane before it lands in Rome. If not, then the pope might as well be dead already.” Said Rubio, referring to Vance.
President Trump will be notably absent from the trip. In the Oval Office today, Trump addressed why he won’t be attending the inaugural mass:
“I don’t really like to watch him feast. I don’t really know if he likes to be watched either. Sometimes I think he does, but I’ve heard sometimes he likes to be alone.”
Pope Leo XIV has taken every precaution necessary for Vance’s upcoming visit. The pope has requested that the inaugural mass be televised, so there is a clear record of evidence in case something should unfold. He has also chosen St Peter’s Square as the location for the mass, which he says “will have many witnesses present.”
The Vatican has warned Pope Leo not to be fooled by Vance’s schemes. He is not to accept any invitations for private conversations away from the crowd. He is also aware that if he begins to hear the whisperings of a thousand tortured souls trapped behind JD Vance’s eyes, he is to alert the nearest cardinal or priest.
Though the mass is held for this Sunday, many politicians and celebrities have already come forward with their condolences.
“I mourn the loss of the newly elected pope. We must pray and take actions to ensure that these tragedies cease to unfold before our very eyes. I look forward to the appointment of the next pope, and pray for his safety and security, whoever he may be,” tweeted Chris Pratt.
Pope Leo is reportedly hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst, as he cherishes whatever time he may have left.