Kristi Noem: 'I Refuse To Describe Habeas Corpus Or Any Other Sex Positions For That Matter'

Director of Homeland Security Kristi Noem is believed to have mistaken the definition of habeas corpus in a confusing Senate hearing this Tuesday.

Habeas corpus is the legal right of an individual to challenge the legality of their imprisonment/detention.

During the hearing, Democratic Senator Maggie Hassan asked Noem to “define habeas corpus” in reference to the reports that President Trump is considering a suspension of the legal principle.

Noem initially declined to respond to the Senator’s demand:

“I hardly find that appropriate for a Senate hearing, Senator,” Noem retorted.

Thus began a heated back and forth between Noem and Hassan, in which Noem stated, “I refuse to describe habeas corpus or any other sex positions for that matter,” leaving the panel of Senators in a state of confusion.

Senator Hassan, however, was not willing to let Noem evade the question, and defiantly asked for a 23rd time, “What is habeas corpus?”

Noem finally relinquished her claims that the question was inappropriate and answered to the best of her ability:

“Fine! You want me to describe it? You sicko liberals. To perform habeas corpus, first, the woman sits while crossing her legs. The man is to then flip her onto her back, while her legs remain crossed, then squeeze through her legs inverted, and insert his penis into her vagina. Then the woman must insert however many fingers she deem necessary into the man’s asshole, and THAT is habeas corpus.”

Noem was considerate enough to sketch a diagram of her description onto the back of a napkin to better help the Senators visualize her definition.

Surprisingly, Senator Hassan was quite adamant that Noem was incorrect in her assertions:

“Mrs. Noem, your answer has put on full display your incompetence and ignorance as Director of Homeland Security. It is a frightful day for America when someone in a government position as high as yours can not correctly define habeas corpus.”

Hassan then proceeded to lecture Noem on the correct definition:

“Habeas corpus, as we all well know, does not include ass-play of any kind. What you’ve described is actually a move known as ‘jury tampering.’ Habeas corpus is when the man, lays interverted between a woman’s crossed legs, inserts his penis, and then using his hands to grab the woman’s thighs, manually stimulates his penis. Your foolish definition has exhibited a lack of experience for someone in your position.”

Kristi Noem did not admit fault to giving a false definition. It is unclear whether Noem actually believed her definition was truthful, or if her intentions were to align with the statements of President Trump, who last week asserted the same false description of habeas corpus.