Mitch McConnell Shows First Sign Of Movement In Two Years
It’s a miracle!
During a press conference in July of 2023, Senator Mitch McConnell appeared to freeze in place while answering questions from reporters. Since that fateful day, McConnell has been confined to his frozen position outside the Senate chambers.
Over the past two years, McConnell’s frozen corpse has become somewhat of a tourist spot. Tour groups make sure to visit the infamous “McCon-sicle” and have their photos taken while performing fun poses in front of the motionless Senator.
The frozen McConnell is even marked as a destination on Google Maps and was reportedly generating hundreds of millions of dollars in tourism for the Washington, D.C. area, with plans to center a theme park around the Senator, to be built by 2031.
However, those plans now need to be put on halt, as it appears this sightseeing spot may have been for a limited time only, as this Wednesday McConnell showed the first sign of movement in two years.
“Ahh! I just saw it move!” screamed a British tourist, her voice echoing throughout the halls of the Senate.
Republican lawmakers ran from their offices to see with their own eyes if the claims were true. They were not disappointed. With the band of conservative senators surrounding him, at 2:07 PM and 11 seconds, McConnell’s left eye blinked slowly for all to see.
“Glory be! Glory be unto all!” shouted Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA) before dropping to his knees and making the sign of the cross over his chest.
Senate Majority Leader John Thune (R-SD) broke down in tears, and took the floor:
“I hereby announce my departure from the position of Senate Majority leader and nominate the former leader, the great and almighty Mitch McConnell, to retake his chair at once!” Thune cried.
Thune’s speech was met with three “hip-hip-horrays” from his Republican colleagues present. Pope Leo XIV then burst through the door and cried out “Is it true? Has the prophecy been foretold?”
“Aye!” The Republican Senators answered in unison. At which point Pope Leo shed his ropes and threw his pocket Bible in the garbage stating that “it no longer has any use for [him].”
It’s reported that Republican leadership is already preparing McConnell for a 2028 presidential campaign, which he is expected to win handily. 2028, however, is still a ways away, and many Senators were simply happy to focus on the present:
“I’m just happy to have my friend back. I mean just look at him,” stated Senator Lindsey Graham smiling ear to ear next to his old pal McConnell.