RFK Jr Tells CDC To Start Recommending Non-Fluorinated Poop Water

Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has told the Center for Disease Control to stop recommending fluoridated drinking water.

The decision from Kennedy comes after the Supreme Court ruled against the EPA’s ability to enforce fecal matter limits in drinking water, this March.

However, Kennedy believes not only should fecal matter not be avoided in drinking water, but it may actually hold the key to a myriad of health benefits.

“We’ve seen a rise in FMTs or fecal matter transplants in the field of medicine over the past decade. Fecal matter is ripe with healthy bacteria that restores the intestinal microbiome.” Kennedy stated at a press conference this Tuesday.

“Unfortunately, fluoride can kill the good bacteria contained within poop water. This is why I will henceforth have the CDC recommend that poop-drinking water be non-fluoridated, and ensure every American will have access to at-home fecal transplants in their faucets, shower heads, and refrigerators.” he continued.

But Kennedy wasn’t satisfied with the audience taking him at his word, he instead decided to put his poop where his mouth is.

“Here with me I’ve got a delicious glass of fresh non-fluoridated poop water,” Kennedy stated before taking a swig of the thick brownish water.

“Finally I can grow my intestinal microbiome without being exposed to the harmful effects of fluoride consumption,” he told the crowd.

Kennedy stated he’s been drinking non-fluoridated poop water for weeks and he already feels “stronger and more energetic.” Although, some medical professionals aren’t quite convinced of the science:

“While studies on fluoride consumption show there are some risks involved, it’s usually at much higher levels than are typically found in drinking water. The benefits to dental health far outweigh any potential problems. At this time I think it’s a mistake to remove it, and the public should continue drinking fluorinated fecal water,” stated Dr. Harvey Roune, a dental medicine specialist at NYU Langone.

Others, however, think Kennedy is on to something:

“I believe Kennedy has introduced a great point regarding fecal transplants. The safe and effective procedure may translate somewhat into the fecal drinking water phenomena he cites. While more study is needed, there appears to be potential health benefits with very little in the matter of safety concerns. I say go for it,” stated a homeless crack addict we interviewed on Canal St.

Kennedy is already looking to the future as he works with state and local officials to reroute sewage pipelines directly into water supply distribution systems.