Secretary Of Education Invents New Math
Just when you thought math couldn’t get any more complicated!
Secretary of Education Linda McMahon has sent shockwaves through the world of academia with the unveiling of her innovative form of mathematics.
This new type of mathematics was first displayed by McMahon and Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA) this Wednesday during a Senate budget request hearing for the Department of Education. While discussing budget cuts, Kennedy stated that cutting the TRIO program which costs approximately $1.5 billion annually, would save the government more than $1 trillion over ten years.
McMahon nodded along to Kennedy’s use of her “new math,” seemingly proud of its quick adoption and application.
However, it appears some didn’t get the memo. Sen. Jack Reed (D-RI) interjected to “correct” McMahon and Kennedy. Senator Reed, in his old ways, attempted to prove that $1.5 billion multiplied by 10 is $15 billion, rather than 1.5 trillion.
The room filled with chortles and laughter out of embarrassment for Reed as Kennedy retorted “I guess someone missed that lesson in new education.”
McMahon, however, was not laughing. She took the opportunity to graciously educate the mistaken Senator.
“Senator Reed, it appears you’re using an outdated method of multiplication, and that’s alright-” McMahon turned to the crowd. “Different people learn at different rates and it’s important we all recognize that.”
McMahon then pulled a “new math instruction guide” from her purse which she presented to the Senator:
“In new math, you must follow a specific set of instructions to arrive at your solution. First, perform the mathematical function to the best of your ability. Next, check to make sure you’re a registered Republican. Lastly, disregard any mistakes or doubts. Now, you have your solution.”
After hearing the explanation Senator Reed was humble enough to chuckle at his own foolishness and apologize to Kennedy, McMahon, and the crowd.
“New math” isn’t just making waves in the halls of government. It’s also rapidly being adopted by institutions and academics at the highest levels of education.
Dr. Richard Howell, Director of Quantum Research at MIT Lincoln Laboratory, spoke to the New York Times about what “new math” means for the physics community:
“This discovery by Linda McMahon is going to usher in a new age of mankind. We now have the tools and mathematics to understand the universe like never before. I’m still waiting for my Republican party registry card to arrive in the mail, but when it does, I’m certain I’ll be able to couple general relativity with quantum mechanics and solve for the coveted theory of everything.”
The rapid adoption of “new math” by the academic world is unprecedented, and speaks to the “other-worldly intellect of Linda McMahon,” as described by Stephen Hawking prior to his death.
All over the nation, state election boards have reported lines around the block for republican party voter registration. Jackie O’Malley, a newly registered Republican, was elated to share her experience:
“Before new math, I owed $600,000 on my mortgage, $15,000 on my credit card, and $80,000 to the IRS. Now, I’m debt-free and planning a month-long vacation to Europe!”
“New math” is sweeping the nation, so the next time you try to solve a problem, don’t think twice!