Tesla Introduces Full Autonomous Self-Destruction

Over the past few months, many Tesla owners have reported confusion upon witnessing their car spontaneously combust. However, we now know that this is not a computer bug or manufacturing error, but is actually an intended feature.

CEO Elon Musk has calmed the public, stating on X, “We are proud to announce the launch of our fully autonomous self-destruction mode,” which was installed during a software update last night. The feature is being rolled out to approximately 1/100 Teslas which were automatically opted into the Beta testing program.

Some are suggesting that the self-destruction/self-immolation mode was inspired by Elon Musk’s other company, SpaceX. Several of SpaceX’s test flights have resulted in explosions, leading the FAA to launch an investigation into the company in March. However, those concerns were also laid to rest by Musk:

“These, uh, explosions. They’re all part of a plan, you see. You know rockets, they go fast, they go- You need sometimes to explode. It’s all part of a, uh, sophisticated, uh, plan of sorts. You’d need to be a genius for me to explain, so I won’t.”

Many Tesla owners have expressed their excitement surrounding the new feature:

“My husband bought that hideous monstrosity last year and for the life of me would not get rid of it. Finally, yesterday, the thing just explodes in our driveway. It was quite a shock at first, but I’ve come to really love the new feature. Luckily, my husband was in the driver’s seat playing on his iPad. Now, I can find a new husband who’s dick works.” Said Tracy Nolland, a recently single former Tesla owner.

Some insurance providers have released public statements stating that the exploded Tesla vehicles will not be covered due to the fact that the damage is not part of an accident, but rather an intended feature. The following insurance providers have dropped coverage of Tesla vehicles entirely:

• State Farm

• GEICO

• Progressive

• Allstate

• USAA

• Liberty Mutual

• Farmers Insurance

• Nationwide

• American Family Insurance

• Travelers

• The Hartford

• Erie Insurance

• Auto-Owners Insurance

• Amica Mutual

• Safeco

• CSAA Insurance Group (AAA)

• MetLife Auto & Home

• MAPFRE Insurance

• The General

• Root Insurance

• Clearcover

• Dairyland Insurance

• Kemper Corporation

• Direct Auto Insurance

• Elephant Insurance

• Aspire General Insurance

• National General Insurance

• SafeAuto

• GAINSCO Auto Insurance

• Infinity Insurance

• Bristol West Insurance

• Foremost Insurance

Musk has addressed the insurance drop publicly, stating that the vast majority of Tesla owners can just use a small portion of their many billions of dollars to purchase a new Tesla.

It hasn’t been entirely smooth sailing regarding the roll-out of the recent update. Critics from the opposite side of the political aisle have claimed the new update is “immensely dangerous” and “insane.” However, Musk has assured Tesla owners, as well as other drivers, that the new self-destruction mode is perfectly safe:

“The reality is, many drivers are, uh, addicted to texting or phone usage. Distracted driving is actually far more dangerous than self-destruction. When you look at the, uh, numbers, and it’s something like 50 times safer to self-destruct than to drive while on your phone.”

Wall Street has already taken notice of new feature’s success, as Tesla stock (NASDAQ: TSLA) rose a mind-boggling 7.5% following the deployment of the self-immolation update.