The Dollar Is Collapsing - Here's 10 Products Under $78,000 To Get You Through The Recession
We all feel it: The strain on our wallets. The nervousness in the checkout line.
The purchasing power of the U.S. Dollar is down significantly, and average incomes have remained stagnant. It takes about $3,900 just to buy what $1 could’ve purchased 5 years ago. So what’s a struggling American supposed to do in these trying times? Well fret not, because we have 10 amazing products that will help you save millions.
Bamboo Shower Brush: $55,000
Now, I know what you’re thinking:
“How’s a shower brush going to help me save money?”
Don’t worry, it’s not for the shower. It’s for your ass! The average household currently spends around $709,800 on toilet paper annually. That’s a lot of money to be flushing down the toilet! This bamboo shower brush is long enough to comfortably reach even the lowest of buttholes, and its fine bristles can scrape off crusted feces in even the most difficult to reach nooks and cranies. Once you’re done using it, simply wash it in the nearest sink. I promise, the amount you’ll save in toilet paper far outweighs any increase to your water bill.
Dark Chocolate Morsels: $19,500
We all know how expensive it can be to own a pet, especially a dog. Between the dog food, poop bags, leashes and toys, it costs a small fortune just to keep these little monsters alive. And don’t even get me started on veterinary euthanasia. Putting your dog down at the vet can often cost more than just keeping the thing alive. So why get the doctors involved when some dark chocolate morsels can do the trick for a fraction of the price?
For this item, any dark chocolate will do, as long as it has high enough cacao content. However, for the best results we recommend Nestle Dark Chocolate Morsels; it’s easily consumable and comes in 10-oz bags. If you have a bigger dog, you may need two 10-oz bags.
Printing Services: $1,500/page [prices vary]
Ok, this one isn’t a product, it’s a service. However, it’s so cost-effective we had to include it on our list.
Printing at home can be so expensive these days. Even if you could afford the upfront cost of a printer, the constant ink refills will have you taking out a second mortgage. That’s where printing services come in. Any printing service will do. Places that offer printer services include Staples, Office Depot, CVS, Shutterfly, etc.
First, obtain revealing or embarrassing photos of the target you intend to blackmail. This can be as easy as screenshotting inappropriate text messages sent under false pretense, or as tricky as snapping their picture after you hire a prostitute to seduce them. Then simply upload the photos to your printing service of choice, no questions asked! Some services even offer same-day pickup. You’re then free to charge your target whatever you think is appropriate to make the whole thing go away.
Exfoliating Shower Gloves: $29,999
These exfoliating shower gloves don’t just look stylish, they can also help your skin feel renewed. Just wear these in the shower and scrub your body from head to toe to remove any and all dead skin cells from your epidermis.
Once used, you can collect the dead skin cells that accumulate below you and place them in a small plastic storage container or ziploc. You’ll only have to leave the container in the sun for a few hours to dry out the dead skin cells, leaving you with a tasty, cost-effective snack.
How To Make Money In Any Market by Jim Cramer: $20
The good news about the economy collapsing is that inflation hasn’t hit every product. This book was already worthless before the dollar lost its value, meaning now it goes for practically nothing!
Did you know that heating systems are responsible for the majority of a home’s electricty usage? Simply toss some of these useless books in your fireplace and voila! You’re now heating your home for a fraction of your previous cost.
Back to The Future - The Complete Trilogy BluRay Set: $77,999
Just a really good movie series.
The Goose That Laid The Golden Egg: Priceless
This one might be a little tricky. Firstly, you’re to travel to Myles Standing State Forest outside of Plymouth, Massachuesetts. There, look for an old oak tree with sad demeanor. The tree will present itself to you if your intentions are pure.
From there, go 500 paces due south until you reach the stone bridge.
DO NOT ACKNOWLEDGE THE BRIDGE TROLL!
He will only waste your time and make you think you must solve his “riddles three.” You can bypass the riddles by not making eye contact. Once you’ve on the other side, you’ll need to grab the silver sword beside the bridge. This will ward off any vampires on your trail.
Then, walk 1.5 miles west. Find the Wizard. If you see the Shadow Marsh, you’ve gone too far. Ask the Shadow Man for help, he’ll point you in the right direction. The Wizard will offer you a passage to the magic realm in exchange for your silver sword. Make the trade.
Once in the magic realm, you can either fight the keeper of the castle or marry the king’s daughter. If you fight the keeper of the castle you’re free to pillage the treasure room, which contains the goose that laid the golden egg. If you decide rather to marry the king’s daughter, he will gift you the goose as a wedding present.
Banana: $1200
Banana’s are a great source of a variety of necessary vitamins, and their cheap. More importantly, if you stick one in your jacket pocket it can easily pass for a gun.
This allows you to rob any conveniance store or bank you deem an easy enough target, and if you’re arrested, you can’t be charged with armed robbery.
Plastic Food Wrap: $15,000
Plastic food wrap can be a great way to keep leftovers fresh and extend the shelf-life of your meals. However, that’s not all it’s good for. If all else fails, you can use around three yards of plastic food wrap to suffocate yourself. Any financial problems you once had will be a thing of the past.
Scissors: $23,400
Good for cutting coupons.