Trump Announces Reparations For Descendants Of Slaveholders
This Juneteenth, President Trump shocked the country with his exciting announcement.
“It’s time this country made right on its historical wrongs,” stated the president, during his Juneteenth press conference.
“Eight score ago, the tyrannical regime of Abraham Lincoln wielded the government’s power unfairly and unjustly to rob many great American citizens of their property,” Trump stated.
Trump then addressed the financial ramifications of the abolition of slavery:
“The theft of property that slaveholders endured not only robbed them of financial security in 1865, but those financial setbacks have accrued over the course of the past 160 years. Their descendants are now poorer by great orders of magnitude, perhaps, even 1000 times poorer than they otherwise would have been.”
Stephen Miller, Trump’s Chief of Staff, proceeded to pass the president his newly signed executive order to present to the room of reporters.
“From this day forth, we will be paying reparations to the descendants of our country’s great slaveholders, in the manner of $500,000 and up to two African-American slaves we will import from Sudan,” Trump announced.
Members of the press began applauding the president for his bold initiative to heal America’s wounds of the past. Rachel McKay, a Fox News correspondent questioned the president on the methods of the reparations:
“Why Sudan? Shouldn’t the descendants receive slaves from the countries of origin that their ancestor’s slaves came from?”
Trump motioned to Miller, who took responsibility for answering the correspondent:
“While we would have liked to do things that way, it would be too resource-intensive to conduct all that research. Besides, a lot of the tribes and whatevers those slaves came from no longer exist.”
The Fox reporter repeated her initial question, “But why Sudan specifically?” Miller responded:
“Well, as you know, Sudan is in the midst of a chaotic civil war. If we take some people from there, no one would hardly even notice right now.”
Peter Franciscia, a manic CBS reporter, rudely attempted to thwart the president’s reparation announcement, attempting to poke holes in the logic of the executive order:
“Doesn’t this executive order violate the 13th amendment, which outlawed slavery in the United States?”
“What 13th amendment?” Trump retorted, displaying his infamously sharp legal prowess.
Franciscia quickly became inconsolably irate, and Trump was forced to have him escorted out of the press conference by 22 ICE agents.
The reparation executive order is to go into effect immediately. If you or a loved one believes you’re the descendant of a slaveholder, visit https://www.whitehouse.gov/reparations to apply for reparations.
Reparations do not apply to descendants of slaveholders who are also descendants of slaves.